Some of my conversations with a couple of mums last week were about the impact of being a parent as a woman. They were feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the relentlessness of the responsibility of pregnancy, birth and then meeting the needs of a baby.
The effort we put into motherhood can feel like it’s not enough or there’s just no value to it at all. We love our children, we would die for our children, they fill us with pride and happiness but it requires us to dig deeper than we ever thought possible.
Even with supportive partners, being a mum is full on - we grow the babies, birth the babies and we are the safety net for our babies and our lives change. We make decisions about work, we carry guilt, we compromise, we put ourselves last, we do our best to meet the needs of our children and we often question whether it’s enough.
We don’t want a medal or praise but we do need more acceptance of how difficult it can be, how lonely and isolating it can be and just how lost we can feel. So many women I speak to feel like they have lost their identity, in becoming mum they don’t know what they like or what they do anymore.
One mum from last week needs to ask for more help so she can have a break from constantly having to meet her baby’s needs, which is a day and night commitment and she’s both physically and mentally exhausted.
Another said she’s so overwhelmed by being exhausted from doing her very best every day for her children and there’s just no value in it, the juggle continues and society just judges rather respects the role of mother. And social media hits back with “well you chose to have children”
There isn’t an answer, there isn’t a fix, the way our modern society raises children is more about isolation than community but I don’t know if it’s ever really been any different. But we do need to talk about it more and to be better supported and encouraged to do more for ourselves and beyond motherhood, if that’s what a woman wants.
In 2023 we are still churning out comments like “babysitting his children” “helping out around the house” “helping his wife” “isn’t he good for having the kids as much as he does?” “doesn't he work hard?”. Men work hard, women work hard, a family is about joint responsibilities, communication and supporting each other.
And this is not a dig at the dads either. While some could step up a bit more, I’m very aware that dads have their own pressures with work, confidence and finding their role but communication within a family can make a difference to find workable tweaks and to work together as a team with a bit more understanding and appreciation.
Being a mother is one of my greatest achievements, I love my children to my core and I am at my happiest when I am with my family but being a mum also took me to my most exhausted place. I have worried, I have cried, I have juggled work, training and time with them, I have protected them as much as possible and I have done my best.
Yet I have also felt lonely, lost and empty at times when I haven’t been sure who I am. And I have also felt crushing guilt for wanting a life beyond my children, doing the work I adore.
Being a mum can be the toughest job in the world, one we give our all to but the value of that is not seen or acknowledged and not just by society and the people close to us but also by us.
Maybe we need to see the value in what we do, the investment we are making, the work we are doing and ask for more help and support so we can share the load where possible, so we can have breaks and do things for us and so we can also invest in ourselves. Yes it’s another thing for us to do but maybe nothing changes unless we lead the way.
And I’m always here to listen.
Yeah, it really illustrates where we are at in society on a very granular, personal level.
Needed this today! 😤 You think you’re in a fair and equal relationship? Have a baby and find out!