This one’s a personal post but I wanted to write about the emotional side of the menopause because I wish I had known more about it.
In my younger days I thought the menopause was just hot sweats, irritability and the end of periods, that was it. Now I know it can be much more than that - apart from exhaustion, I haven’t been too bothered by the physical aspects of the perimenopause but the mental & emotional impact has, at times, been crippling.
For me this has mainly been brain fog, low mood, anxiety, lack of confidence and low self esteem, which has made me feel incapable and worthless. I’m almost 51 and I would say this started when I was around 45 when I needed to make changes in my business to reduce stress.
My thinking slowly started to unravel at this point - reflecting on and analysing life, my upbringing, my losses, my decisions, making peace with everything that had impacted my life. After being a wife and a mother for two decades, this was forcing me to think about who I am and what I want. I have felt insane, I have felt broken and I have wondered if everyone would just be better off without me.
But from this reflection and the need to make change, I have also become stronger, feistier with a stronger sense of identity. But it comes and it goes - I am just coming out of a low period of depression where I have felt helpless and useless, where the ground beneath my feet felt really wobbly. Despite the pain of this period, the tears and the fear, I knew I had to wait for it to pass - there was no point battling with it so I went with it, I felt like a failure but I read, wrote, curled up and paused. And now it has eased.
Had I have written this post yesterday, it would have been a bleak but realistic description of this low depressive episode. Instead it’s a more positive post, full of hope and enthusiasm. It changes quickly.
What I am starting to understand is that the menopause is a time of change and not just physically. It can be an individual time of reflection, to re-evaluate life in preparation for the future - what do I want to achieve, what do I enjoy, what do I want to experience, what’s no longer working, what do I need for me?
With change, comes uncertainty and I wonder whether this is necessary for the change to happen. I could yearn for the impact of the menopause to go and to be back where I was a few years ago but this is about moving forwards. Priorities are shifting - the things I needed as a younger woman and as a mother who was raising a family aren’t going to be the same in this next part of my life.
The menopause can be messy and lonely, it can impact every part of a woman’s life but I’m trying to go with it, even when it’s really painful and scary, because it’s about tackling life differently and going with what I need.
As part of this adjustment I am building up my confidence in the changes I am making to my business and to my outlook. I’m trying to accept the pause, rather than battling with it, and seeing where that takes me.
I would love to hear your comments, questions, thoughts and experiences because this does impact us all so differently.
Thanks for writing this. I had my little one with ivf then started perimenapause and now menapause, I'm 44. I had coil fitted and hrt started in Jan. So a way off to feeling better, as it can take 6months. Xx
Totally hear this. It’s an extremely tricky life stage and there’s so much to it that you you don’t feel prepared for x x